Good evening my faithful blog followers and how do you do tonight or today or _______ (just put in whatever time of day it is whenever you got around to reading this). Sorry for the absence of late but life is crazy and I just don't always have time to enlighten my audience with my superior use of sarcasm. Maybe I'll start just dispensing out daily one-liners of sarcastic thoughts so y'all don't have to go without.
Anyway as I said life has been pretty hectic lately which of course means I've been presented with many situations that call for my inspired insight on others. For example I recently made my way back from California to Arkansas in a cross country drive with my mother (and for those who are really familiar with me-don't worry we didn't kill each other.... yet). On this never-ending journey of ours we made are way through 8 states in 2 1/2 days. Yes you read right- 8 states! Here's what I've come to determine over the course of my hellish adventure. Firstly, the first day is always the easiest. In fact if you'd talk to my mom I was a perfect, highly talkative angel during those first 12 and half hours of driving. By the 13th hour on the second day of driving though I wanted to kill everyone on the road because they seemed to have no idea what the speed limit was or where they were going. To make matters worst I got stuck in deadlock traffic 30 minutes outside of my destination because a stupid semi-truck driver turned his truck. Needless to say at the time I was thinking 'He better hope he's dead because I'm gonna kill him if I set eyes on him and he's breathing'. It was pure freakin' torture to be so close to the hotel but soooo far away when all I wanted to do was go to the gym and sleep (but more on that later). Now you're probably wondering how'd I pass the time while I was sitting in traffic? By swerving back and forth in my lane of course so that I could 'clean my tires'..... Yes I'm 56 year old Redneck man who lives and breathes NASCAR like that. Anyway by the last day all I wanted to do was get home and unpack and lay in my queen bed and enjoy the wonders of air conditioning (which if you try to explain to Californians they look at you like you're crazy) so I was on a mission that day and don't believe I said but maybe a total 30 words the entire 7 hour drive. Of course we stopped at Chick-fil-a to grab lunch which was a bad idea because all the little kid voices and their parent's constant yapping made me want to rip off every single one of their heads just so I could enjoy some peace and quiet as I ate.... Oh don't even get me started on the tweens and teens that were there.
Now that I've explained my ever continuing mental breakdown of the road trip let me give you some insight about the states I visited along the way.
California- I lived here for the last two months and I can say without a doubt that the only parts of CA that are worth seeing are San Diego, San Francisco, and Northern CA around Lake Tahoe. The rest of the state can just suck it because it's just dirty and plain ugly to look at day in and day out with its yellow grassy hills. Seriously I don't think SoCal or Central CA knows what greenery looks like unless it's spray painted onto the plants.
Nevada- The asshole of America. Seriously I use to think Oklahoma was the shittiest state in the Union but Nevada as dethroned them. Honestly just stay away.... SERIOUSLY DON'T GO YOU'LL REGRET IT!
Utah: Not much to say about Utah as I only saw half of it in the daytime but of that half it was pretty boring and didn't have much to look at. Salt Lake City was a letdown. Honestly it was like a humid-sweaty sweltering pit that I have no desire to go back to ever. I did however have an extremely delicious Australian Lobster trail there... And yes I know I just came from California where seafood is readily available and Utah isn't even close to an ocean but I wanted lobster so shut up.
Wyoming- The most beautiful state I've ever seen that's all you have to know.
Nebraska- The bane of my existence. I freaking hate this state and it's ridiculous amount of cornfields. It reminded me of being in the movies where I'd continually pass the same scenery every 2 minutes. Also I'm pretty sure there's nothing in Nebraska but corn and cattle because their restaurant selection is just depressing.
Colorado- Ok I didn't actually drive through this state but I'm pretty sure there's been a mass exodus of the state because I swear every car that was on the road in Utah, Wyoming, and Nebraska was Colorado. There must only be like 20 people left for real. Also their driver's are about as big of morons as Californians- just saying.
Iowa- Just traveled a small corner of my mother's land of birth but I instantly felt safer crossing the border. Does that make me stereotype believer?
Missouri- It's nice but it ain't Arkansas so I just kept my eyes on the road and drove. Don't really remember much of the state expect it's more scenic than Nebraska but that's not really a hard accomplishment to achieve.
Arkansas- Home sweet home and it's perfect. If you say anything negative about it I'll come and find you and kick your ass- just test me.
Now for my biggest lesson from travels- Gym etiquette:
1. If you come to the gym at a hotel and the equipment you want to use is already occupied don't stare the 20-something girl on the treadmill whose serious about getting in a good workout in order to make them get off it faster. Not only can I feel your eyes on me but I can see you doing it in the wall covered in mirrors.
2. If you are this said person and you're over 55 it's probably best you stay on the elliptical that was left free next to the treadmills rather than running on the treadmill because let's face it me in my young age will get a lot more of it than you to begin with.
3. If you are on a family trip don't let your kids in the gym just to fu*k around on the different machines. I'm in there because I'm serious about staying healthy and in shape and I don't need your 11-yr old son hopping around on the treadmill next to me while looking at me with his goofy face. Honestly when you come and check on these said kids and you see a person seriously using the machines the polite thing to do is to usher them out so they no longer distract me; NOT stare me down while I give you the evil eye and telepathically tell you to get your PITA kids out of the gym.
Whew that was a long post! Hope you enjoyed it and I promise to try to post more often.