Wednesday, February 9, 2011

You Give Love A Bad Name… Or At Least Valentine’s Day Did

So it’s that time of year again where there’s a mad rush to the Singles aisle of the grocery store in hopes of picking up a fresh and delectable mate or for those who wait till the last minute one who is mildly spoiled and slightly repellent in order to prepare for the biggest love fest of the year. Why of course I’m talking about Valentine’s Day. You all know the day. It’s the one where naked cherub baby cupids with wings fall from the sky to shoot arrows into people’s asses, heart shape boxes filled with candy become socially acceptable in this obese society, and your mother makes you behave all P.C. by making sure you give a valentine to the kids who you’d much rather punch in the face and steal their candy stash from. Seriously though, Valentine’s Day is overrated. Yeah I said it so hate me if you like.

Let’s get real for minute, shall we? There are 365 days in a year (this is a fact-shocking I know). Out of these 365 days American society has decided that it has become necessary to make ONE day, February 14, about showing your significant other-whether it be your dog, boyfriend, or blow up human doll- how much you love them with an array of gifts. Americans aren’t alone in practicing this ridiculous holiday- France, Canada, Britain, Australia, and Germany do to. Also did you know that Brazil celebrates Lovers Day (I much more prefer this name, don’t you? It’s so sexy) on June 12? Or that Japan celebrates it on BOTH February 14 and March 14? See men in America it could be worse. Do you really need a single day out of the year to tell your partner that you like them? I thought that was a given when you agreed to date them and you didn’t break up when they picked their nose or farted in front of you the first time.  If not, I’ve been playing the dating game wrong for a really long time.

The point is that there’s nothing wrong with celebrating Saint Valentine’s Day in the purest sense, but what the modern celebration has come to mean is utterly ridiculous. It does nothing but fill single folks with dread and self-worthlessness when honestly they’re FUCKING AWESOME for being strong enough not to settle for something subpar. On the other side of the pond (I feel British using phrases like that) couples have to deal with extremely high expectations created by one partner or the other. I would say it’s all the girl’s fault but let’s face it there are some prissy, high-maintenance boys out there who do the same thing. What do these expectations create? Disappointment, duh. No one can create a day that lives up to someone’s perfect idea of how things should go. (If you found a guy that actually does this you must tell me how you managed to pull Coach Taylor from Friday Night Lights into the real world.) Really Valentine’s Day should be called ‘Let’s Do Everything Possible to Ruin Today and Fuck Up Our Relationship Day’.

Do I expect my boyfriend of three years to produce candy and flowers from his ass to show me how much I mean to him on February 14 just because it’s expected? No because 1) I expect him to do that shit every day and 2) I definitely would not eat that candy. Honestly though I’d be shocked if my guy bought me flowers and a card or any other of that stereotypical stuff for Valentine’s Day this year. I might even become suspicious that he did something bad, very bad. Why? He must love me after 3 years (I’m pretty sure that’s a yes but you never know ;p) and wants to show it right? I don’t expect this kind of treatment because it’s not who he is and do I really expect him to change because it’s Valentine’s Day? Fuck no and that’s why I like him. Seriously the guy has bought me one bouquet of flowers our entire time together and that was in the first month of our relationship and the one time he did get me a V-Day gift it was stuffed turtle. Not a bear.  A green turtle and it was perfect and so is my dude. He’s not overly sentimental or affectionate and neither am I so it works for us. So what are our plans this year? Not a damn thing because it’s just another day to us which is how it should be for everyone else. One day should not have so much power over people’s psyche like Valentine’s Day does. It’s dumb. Does Valentine’s Day really validate your relationship or cement your status as forever single? Nope it does not. My solution to all this nonsense is to STOP FUCKING WORRYING ABOUT VALENTINE’S DAY. Just don’t celebrate it. Buy yourself flowers and candy because you deserve them. If you’re in an relationship you have an anniversary to celebrate which can act like your V-Day (unless you’re my sister and her guy whose anniversary is Valentine’s Day) no need to make single people depressed by going out to eat and shoveling food into your mouths on February 14 every year.

I understand the need to get dressed up and go out with your honey or aforementioned blow up doll so to ensure you can still indulge in these rituals I suggest worrying about St. Patrick’s Day. Everyone knows it’s by far the superior holiday. Hello, green beer, parades, and crazy Irish music! To me there’s no better day… except Halloween and my birthday. Also by skipping the B.S. of Valentine’s Day you can continue to prepare your liver for the massive amount of alcohol to be consumed on March 17 because seriously you need to prepare or you will die. The Irish don’t mess around with their beer-trust me, I know.  So bye-bye to you Valentine’s Day and your little cherub baby cupids who I’d like to drop kick back into heaven. We don’t need your over-commercialization and stupid expectations anymore; we have the leprechauns and their pots of gold now and they don’t judge me and my relationships.

Lastly if you're one of those girls or guys who gets upset because your partner didn't live up to your high expectations (I'm not talking about your basic dinner and a movie date) or they didn't buy you some gift/treat on February 14 I have one thing to say to you. STOP BEING A HIGH MAINTENANCE BITCH. The End.

P.S. As always I love to hear your thoughts so please leave comment below in the comments section. See you next post!


  1. LOVE IT!!! I mean, do we really need another stuff animal? Why do guys think that's cute? What am i going to do with the damn thing? If you truly loved me, just give me cash.

  2. Once again, very funny. I love how you just push through the BS & dish out the truth.

  3. Yeah the stuffed animals usually end up going to the dog though now that we have a kid I suppose she gets dibbs. I swear those heart shaped boxes of candy are the same damn ones put back on the shelf every year. Have you ever gotten one of those? The chocolate tastes like it was made in 1991.

  4. Superb ! Your blog is incredible. I am delighted with it. Thanks for sharing with me!

  5. I’m standing in front of this strange woman dressed in the pinkest little sissy outfit you’ve ever seen, with my cock fully exposed for her.